Above: “Joaquin, stop asking Ashley Todd for help!” 

Joaquin Phoenix recently told a reporter that he plans to leave the film industry to focus on his music. He then showed up at the premiere of Two Lovers with “Bye! Good” written backward on his knuckles. If this behavior were coming from, say, Lindsay Lohan… I’d advise someone to call an ambulance. But Phoenix has always had a random sense of humor that he often aims at journalists. Yes, there’s a chance that he was also toking or sipping but the overall sense I’m getting is that he’s just trying to fuck with people. He may be leaving films behind for music but he’s (probably) not on a crash course with disaster. 

Above: “Run, Mr. Johansson! Woody Allen’s right behind you with a knife!” 

No, Ryan Reynolds did not run the NYC Marathon as part of a team of really hot people. The “Fox” refers to Michael J. Fox. Reynolds completed the marathon yesterday (with a respectable time of 3 hours and 50 minutes) as part of a team raising money and awareness for Parkinson’s, a condition that affects Fox and Reynolds’ father, Jim. Ryan was greeted at the finishing line by his mother and brother. Wife Scarlett was on the road campaigning for Obama at Case Western Reserve University in Ohio. 

Less Funny, More Creepy: JPedo and another Cyrus sister boyfriend as the Jonas Brothers (Miley infamously dated Nick Jonas). 

Some NSFW stuff behind the cut. 

Worst Accessory: Kim Kardashian wears black leggings with her Wonder Woman costume, also sports camel toe. (Splash)  

You’re Too Old For This Shit: Mariah Carey as a slutty firefighter. 

Best Evidence Against Plastic Surgery (and Tanning): Shauna Sand looking like a train wreck that had no survivors. 

Annoying Hipster is NOT a Costume: (Tie) Jessica Alba and the smiley girl from 90210: Jr.

Best Overall: Heidi Klum (at the party she hosted) 

Best Couple: Christian Siriano and his Dalmatian boyfriend at Heidi’s party. 

Best Family Effort: Sizzling Kate Beckinsale with her daughter Lily and husband, Len Wiseman. 

Best Family Theme: Christina Aguilera with her husband, Jordan Bratman, and son Max. 

Best Startle: While scrolling through pics of Britney dressed as a fairy, having your screen freeze on an extra large pic of Jamie Spears’ clown mask (bonus points to Daddy Spears for the glasses hanging around his neck).

Jessica Simpson’s bff and hair stylist, Ken Paves, gets his face cut by a pap’s camera during a skirmish. At this point, he’s more relevant than she is. (Dlisted) 

Keeley Hazell takes her slutty witch costume seriously. (IDLYITW) 

Bad Photoshop Alert: Britney’s new album cover looks cheap. (Just Jared) 

Olivia Munn hoses herself off, cracks jokes. (Egotastic) 

Sarah Palin gets prank called by Canadian comedy troupe. (Socialite Life)

For most of us, sneaking off for a quickie with our lover involves a seedy motel that charges by the hour. But Madonna has to be elaborate when she sneaks in some sheet time with Alex Rodriguez. There have to be helicopters, Hampton homes, expensive cars and Jerry Seinfeld. Because nothing says foreplay like a neurotic comedian. 

IT was like a scene out of a James Bond movie last week, asMadonna and Alex Rodriguez secretly jetted off in two private helicopters for a quick and cozy rendezvous in the Hamptons, Page Six has learned.

 

Instead of booking a motel room, the two headed straight toJerry Seinfeld‘s waterfront mansion, where they relaxed in luxury for several hours.

“The Seinfelds have been friends with Madonna for years. They’re neighbors on the West Side, so it’s really no surprise,” said an insider. “And Jerry and [wife] Jessica go to her concerts whenever she’s in town.”

Our spies say the clandestine East End meeting between soon-to-be-divorced Madge and freshly single A-Rod occurred on Oct. 21. A chopper carrying the Yankee slugger was seen landing in East Hampton, where he was picked up in a white Porsche 911 matching the description of Jessica’s car.

Less than 40 minutes later, another helicopter that took off from Chelsea Piers with Madonna aboard landed at the same airstrip.

 

I can’t help but imagine Guy Ritchie having a drink somewhere, a smile of relief spread across his face.

Above: Pick up that candy! This is what healthy living looks like. 

If you’d like to have your career peak in your 20′s, marry a whiny Brit soft rock star, name your children after a fruit and Biblical figure and generally seem like you’d be a really boring dinner guest… be sure to sign up for the newsletter from Gwyneth Paltrow’s personal website, GOOP (yes, really). GOOP focuses on ways to have a better life. The latest newsletter shares some “get healthy” tips from Paltrow’s too large team of experts: 

Start with sleep. Sleep eight hours or more each night. Do what you have to do to get to sleep; there are plenty of natural agents that work. Try them: herbs (valerian), tea (chamomile), amino acids (tryptophan or hydroxy-tryptophan) and vitamins (magnesium and B6). These can be powerful sedatives and work just as well as prescription agents without the risks. Sleep plays a powerful role in determining your appetite, energy and attitude. Sleep better for two weeks before changing your diet. Then try eliminating “white” foods, those that are made with sugar, white flour and milk. If you eliminate them one at a time, start with flour, then eliminate dairy and then sugar. Sugar is easier to quit after a few weeks of no other “white” stuff. Remember high fructose corn syrup and dextrose are sugar by another name. Give yourself about two weeks to get used to each before eliminating the next one.

Exercise regularly. I know you want to but you don’t have the energy to do it. Sleep eight hours for two weeks, then start eliminating “white” foods. After two weeks of sleeping and eating better, you’ll have the energy to exercise. Begin as you like. If you are totally out of shape, start by walking 15 minutes a day and add a minute every day for the first month. At the end of a month, you’ll be up to 45 minutes a day, which should make you ready for whatever more strenuous form of exercise you want to try. Experiment with them all to see what works best for you and stick with it.

Police your thoughts and deal with your feelings constructively. Most of the background chatter in our mind is worrying, judging, criticizing, defending and complaining. Catch yourself and create a distraction by redirecting your thoughts toward the things that you are grateful for and optimistic about.

If you’re having trouble sleeping, just read the full newsletter. It’ll lull you right into slumber. I woke up three days later, face down in a pile of white bread.

Mark Ronson got some extra bang for his bite while having a snack at a P. Diddy party. From Page Six: 

MARK Ronson learned to watch what he eats at P. Diddy‘s famed White Parties. “I hadn’t eaten all day, and I was starving. They were coming around with this bowl of brownies, and I grabbed three of them and just started scarfing them down,” the deejay tells Paper. After that, “every lyric sounded like it was the Cookie Monster yelling in my ear, and I started feeling really [bleep]y, but I had to play through the set. I couldn’t just go up to Puffy and say, ‘Sorry, I ate a [bleep]-load of hash brownies, I can’t do your White Party.’ “

Pass the brownie to the left hand side, Mark. That’s the proper etiquette.

Chloe Lattanzi, daughter of Olivia Newton-John, appeared on the reality “singing” competition “Rock the Cradle” earlier this year. She gained a lot of attention for her… not found in nature appearance. Chloe suffered from anorexia for years and obviously has some other body image issues going on so I do feel bad pointing it out like this but…damn, girl. Your boobs are running away from each other. 

Even more depressing, here is a look at what Chloe looked like before she started trying to “fix” things: 

She was a pretty girl in the late 90s and gorgeous in the early 00s. Maybe someone could stage an intervention of some sort?

The press does make up stories that make some celebrities seem more scandalous than they really are all in the name of selling a few copies. But if there have been rumors circulating for over twenty years that someone’s a diva with an enormous ego and control issues… she’s probably a diva with an enormous ego and control issues. Which is why it is easy to believe that Madonna had Guy sign a marriage contract: 

The Rules 

Guy must work to enrich his wife’s emotional and spiritual well-being.

Guy must set aside time to read Kabbalah texts with his wife.

Guy must resolve conflicts in a constructive way.

Guy must never shout at his wife, but instead state calmly: I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this.

We both must express time to devote to our sexual expressiveness.

We must not use sex as a stick to beat one another.